Alone again, naturally

It's hard to believe that I first started this blog in 2006 since it has been such an on and off thing. I see all of these visitors and I just wonder who on earth could have stumbled into this blog, out of the millions of blogs there are out there. I don't talk a lot about politics or celebrities or technology developments. My sense of humor is, well, let's generously call it dry. No videos or animations. Just my thoughts and an occasional photo or two.

When I think about this blog, I think of it as a journal not as a tool of self-promotion. I've only give one person a link to it and she was someone I met on the web, not a person in my daily life. I want to be able to say whatever I want without worrying what someone might think. Not that I'm outrageous or sacrilegious, I just have an internal censor in my head that keeps me from revealing too much about myself to people who will judge me. And my family and friends, God love 'em, can't help but judge. It's just human nature to have an opinion about things that concern those closest to you.

I wasn't sure what to expect by putting this all out on the Internet and so far, it's been a monologue. It creates the illusion for me that this is a very private forum when the fact is is that it is open to anyone to read and comment upon. So, I weave back and forth between intimacy and having my guard up, pouring my heart out and then worrying about it getting stomped on. Such is the arena of a personal blog. Maybe I'll make it less about "me" and more "other" focused, whatever that other might be.

Bad, BAD blogger

I haven't been blogging much lately...too busy trying to find a housemate and a new job (i.e., life). Best news is that my computer died which was agonizing (I loved my 7 year old laptop) but it forced me to get a new computer and, damn, a lot has changed since 2001. It's got some cool new features (webcam, DVD recorder) but I have almost gone mad trying to correct and "fix" a lot of glitches. Customer support? Hah! I think I know more about this computer at this point than the people who are hired to help me get it to work right.

I hope to return to blogging once I meet some ridiculous deadlines I committed myself to. Or I might come here to procrastinate, we'll see.

A polling we will go, a polling we will go...

I did one of those "select your political position polls" and here are the results:

89% Barack Obama
88% John Edwards
86% Chris Dodd
84% Hillary Clinton
84% Joe Biden
76% Mike Gravel
75% Dennis Kucinich
74% Bill Richardson
41% Rudy Giuliani
33% John McCain
30% Tom Tancredo
29% Mitt Romney
24% Mike Huckabee
15% Fred Thompson
14% Ron Paul

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz

These results are a surprise to me because they don't reflect how I thought I'd vote in the primary later this year. Of course, it takes a lot of trust that the poll was created intelligently and I have no clue if that is true. But it does cause me to think a little bit more seriously about the candidates who came out in the top half.

Flight of the Conchords...may they forever fly!

Now that I have shed all of that negativity I can talk about something I love...the Flight of the Conchords. I just heard about them right before Christmas and fell so hard that I had to buy their EP for everyone I care about them. They remind me a little of Spinal Tap, not quite as funny but more good-humored and playful. You can't listen to their music without getting a smile on your face, even "I'm Not Crying" which is the most hilariously pathetic breakup song ever.

Because all I've ever wanted was "to be a part-time model...although I better keep my day job".

I can hardly wait to watch the DVDs!

I hate cell phones!

AGGRAVATION: A condition of agitated annoyance, usually in response to negative stimuli.

Example of a situation provoking aggravation: Idiots who come into Starbucks and use it as an office without ever buying anything. They talk loud, oblivious to their surroundings, and are obnoxious and cheap. Their insensitivity has been known to lead to fellow patrons grabbing their cell phone out of their hand and throwing it into a frappacino blender, laughing maniacally while it is ground into small bits.

Situational conditions: Unfortunately, the Starbucks employees have been trained to ignore the behavior of people who come into their facility and disrupt the atmosphere even when they do not purchase any items sold in said business. They are not consumers or customers, they just exist to suck out all of the serenity that can exist in a coffeehouse and charge the environment with all of the negative stress of their workplace without actually spending any money or compensating fellow customers for having to put up with their insensitivity.

Toll: Minutes of my life I'll never get back, elevation of blood pressure, loss of concentration, and increasingly pessimistic view of the human condition.

Short-term solution: It is difficult to combat an obnoxiously loud talker. Cold stares do not work. Asking directly for someone to pipe down rarely succeeds in a satisfactory response. A nonviolent solution is made more difficult but the accommodating staff who shrug their shoulders and smile when you point out the obnoxious people who frequent such place, again, without every purchasing an item. Short of leaving the facility, I have found the only solution is to ask that the music volume be increased, use earplugs, and move to the table that is the farthest from the offensive person.

Long-term solution: Work on channeling aggressive impulses into work.

Love with strings attached

Right now, I am angry beyond belief at my family. I’m of an age where it is infantile to try to guilt trip me into behaving as they want. It sends me in the opposite direction which I must admit is reactionary but I just want nothing to do with them rather than play their games.

It’s a dilemma...I want family contact and affection but it comes with judgment and expectations. I suppose like any relationship but this is one in which I will always be the subordinate reacting to those who wish to influence my behavior. I accept them as they are, why do they seek to manipulate me, using my weak points (namely, money) along with guilt to, basically, control my life?

It’s all in my “best interests”, of course. But it is painful to think that the little love you have in your life is conditional, based on performance in whatever area--having kids, finishing a degree, getting a promotion, pulling one’s life together, etc.--that they are unhappy with. It would be nice to just be accepted and, occasionally, appreciated simply for who you are, blemishes and all.

This is not a “poor me” thing. It’s a “can I have one person in my life who doesn’t place conditions on their love” thing. If I were evangelical, at this point I’d point out that one can find that kind of love from God. But that is intangible, abstract, and intellectual, not emotional and physical. I feel God’s love but there is no warmth to it...it is like a benevolent, nonemotional, silent approval. Which is great and all but there’s little you can hold to your heart, there is no feeling in it or, if there is, in is all going in one direction (me>God), into this airless, endless, limitless vacuum (if such a thing is imaginable).

As spacey as us Aquarians are, all human beings need physical love and affection, whether it is friendship or romantic in nature, to feel secure and healthy. Maybe not earthshattering, knee-knocking passion but some reassurance that we are not alone and unknown. I tend to just take it for granted because I have family who are still alive and then something happens and the castle of cards crashes to the floor.

Thank god for pets. I’m not a cat lady, it is just nice to have some creature in your life who needs you and is glad you are around. Ideally, that would be a family but when they put all sorts of conditions on their love, it is nice to have a warm, furry, loving backup. Pets are more than substitutes for human affection, they have their own personalities. I’m just grateful for the company.

Musings....

I’ve spent a fair portion of my life avoiding reality. We all do it. We find a distraction--love, work, a hobby, a preoccupation, sex, drinking, computer games, gambling, our kids—-and throw ourselves into that person or activity which allows us to forget, for a few moments or hours, some dysfunction or unhappiness or regret in our lives.

And most of us—-if we allow ourselves to think about it (and we’re over 21)-—have things we regret, choices we’ve made or not made that, in hindsight, might not have been the best course of action to take.

If you think of the seven deadly sins, I think I would have to claim “sloth”, at least in those activities that I don’t find pleasure in. Probably like most people, I have difficulty doing those tasks that aren’t satisfying or that highlight some personal weakness or blind spot.

This is the most mundane of problems but one that has had a tremendous impact on the way my life has unfolded. I’m one of those people who slowly pull a band-aid off and the world rewards the yankers in life that act. I’m always kind of hoping that the wound will heal and the bandage fall off by itself.

My father called it “being lazy”. Having been raised in California, I thought of it more as “going with the flow of the universe”. It seemed dangerous to make a decision that wasn’t right and then have to suffer the consequences...better to let the universe/God show you the way than trying to fight the tide. It seems very passive, I know, but what I most abhor in life is frustration. And, unfortunately, to succeed at anything, you have to have a tolerance for a certain amount of frustration because most things are not immediately successful, there is a certain amount of trial and error involved. And when you grow up with a lot of judgment surrounding you, you try to avoid error at all costs.

This leads one to “play it safe”, avoid risk and injury, and have a less adventurous life than one might have had. Still, we manage to survive, we just live lives of little significance except to our immediate circle of family and friends. And maybe that is just fine. Surely billions of people have lived and died without making any discernible impact on the world except to procreate the next generation. But if you don’t have this kind of immortality, what evidence can you leave when you die that you ever even walked the streets, loved, were loved, or simply breathed? I still don’t know the answer.